For those of you that have known me for more than 5 seconds, you may know I have a bit of a detachment problem. It's a mental issue that I have to deal with...and though slowly going away, is not something to be dealt with lightly.
There are some big issues that can occur. Loneliness leading to depression, feelings of being ignored or left out, and the worst, the inability to cope with leaving. This is where I have a problem. Yes, I still get all the other stuff too...but let's talk about leaving.
In D Term, I'm going to be going to Africa. This is an AMAZING opportunity. But I'm petrified because I'll be removed from the people that are without a doubt, my crutches in life. I can't just deal with it either...this is a real fear that isn't easily dealt with. I have 26 weeks to kill this feeling, and I'm going to need all the help I can get...
Then there's getting a job. What if my job sends me away? Can I handle that? I'm pretty sure that's a big ass no. I guess it's possible to live with friends after, or just have them on standby for emergencies, but that's no way to live. And when will I get over it? Sometimes it takes days, sometimes weeks. Will I be miserable in Africa for 3 days or 3 weeks (the latter being FAR worse)?
Barring ALL of that...I'm actually feeling rather good recently. Today was a little rough, but I think the stress took over, that was the only problem there. I think I need to sit with people and talk to them soon, before the school year starts, about how to help me. If I can just get the right people to do the right things, I'll be golden when I go away. Hell, maybe I'll even be able to live with my friends in coming years. Depends on the position I get I guess.
I'm rambling, but sorry it helps ;P Anyway...that's all for now...I hope :-\
Chris
"First say to yourself what you would be, and then do what you have to do."
Just some simple things that go through my head. This is a sounding board for my ideas, thoughts and opinions. Please feel free to comment on anything I put here, or even ask me questions. I encourage it :)
2 comments:
Sometimes, it is better to stop thinking about things and just let it happen. Of course, this is very hard to do... especially due to your mental issues.
In any case, I can attempt to see where you are coming from. I know that I would definitely freak a little bit if I was going to Africa. I don't know anybody there, and I certainly can't envision what my daily life would be like.
As for graduating and getting a job somewhere away from Worcester, it could be troubling for anyone (although in smaller ways). I would hate to be far away from my family, and you would hate to be away from your friends/crutches. It's going to be tricky, but that's the nature of life. Things change, friends move away, new friends are made... bonds are broken, formed, redefined... Ultimately, you have control of your destiny. Wow, that was one giant cliche right thar.
As long as the internet is with you, there are ways to communicate with friends. It may not be the same as direct contact, but every little bit helps, right?
For now, you should relax and think positive, if possible. The way you approach your trip in Africa will definitely influence your reaction to events that happen there as well as your mood. As long as you push your doubts aside, and march strongly into that plane, and reflect on the wonderful things that will await you, it may just work out perfectly for you. At least, that's what I believe. And, of course, this is an opinion from an outsider.
It's 12:48AM, and I'm going to bed. Hopefully I won't look at this comment in the morning, and think "I should have proofread it one more time...!"
"Either appear as you are, or be as you appear" - Mevlana
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