Here it comes!

Ladies and gentlemen, the moment(s) you've all been waiting for. It's my last year in college!! Now now, don't get worried. I know it's hard to believe, but it's true! And although I won't be all that financially sound for a while, I'll totally be done :-)

Everything I've done for myself these past years has been for this. I feel very good about this, and I definitely feel like this year is going to be ok (Africa still might be rough, but we'll see...)

kbai

:-)

:-D

Measures taken...

So I've taken some measures to insure that I start feeling better about life. Honestly...I couldn't really go on the way I do anymore. It's a vicious cycle to leads to health issues, relationship issues, and most importantly to me of all, friendship issues. Now in taking these measures, I have actually been able to see a few things very clearly.

This weekend was a little rough, but not for the reasons you're all used to knowing about. It was very interesting...In a normal Chris world, the events that transpired from Saturday evening through Sunday evening would have been absolutely devastating. Like, we're talking breakdown sized. Granted I was very disappointed, that was it. It's actually the first time I've been able to turn back on something that has happened and look at it clearly, making the comparison to how I should feel and how I do feel, then choosing the right path.

This road that I'm taking is one I'm normally against, but may prove to be successful. In the end, that's really all I can ask for. Additionally, getting better also means that when I do feel sad or depressed, it will be easier to work on, because I'll know it's actually supposed to be happening...whereas normally not only would I have to deal with it, but I'd also have to determine if it was a real reason to be depressed or just a brain chemistry fuck up.

Isn't that fun, children?? Well, that's all for now everyone. Catch you on the flip side! (hopefully cured ;-)

I don't know what I did...

But I managed to be ecstatic, depressed, have a break down, cry and feel better all in a span of 5 hours. All it's done is lead me to the very obvious realization that doing this alone is no longer an option. Luckily, I've also had the time to think very hard about my life in that time. I even was essentially told by someone I respect that I don't make sense...flat out.

Well that does it. No more of this. This has become priority one. Why should I have to deal with this? Why should my friends? It's not fair...so I'm going to do something about it...

Watch me...

DAY 1 of Bettering Myself:
Well, lets start with today simply to have a control to figure out where I'm going wrong. Today I made a few crucial mistakes, listed with the corresponding disorder:

1. Assuming my friends didn't like me (P.P.D.)
2. Using my away message as a place to voice an opinion...twice (S.A.D., P.P.D.)
3. I let it turn into a breakdown (C.D.)

I'm going to start in those areas. Keep in touch to watch the progress...

Chris

Still better, but still meh...

So I've definitely identified my weak points and I'll be working on them soon. I need to try way harder to be proactive in my friendships. :/

:-D

So I definitely still have some issues to work out, and I will definitely asking a few close friends to help me out...but today was one of the best days I've had mentally, emotionally, physically..EVERYTHING....in a very very very long time :)

Detachment...

For those of you that have known me for more than 5 seconds, you may know I have a bit of a detachment problem. It's a mental issue that I have to deal with...and though slowly going away, is not something to be dealt with lightly.

There are some big issues that can occur. Loneliness leading to depression, feelings of being ignored or left out, and the worst, the inability to cope with leaving. This is where I have a problem. Yes, I still get all the other stuff too...but let's talk about leaving.

In D Term, I'm going to be going to Africa. This is an AMAZING opportunity. But I'm petrified because I'll be removed from the people that are without a doubt, my crutches in life. I can't just deal with it either...this is a real fear that isn't easily dealt with. I have 26 weeks to kill this feeling, and I'm going to need all the help I can get...

Then there's getting a job. What if my job sends me away? Can I handle that? I'm pretty sure that's a big ass no. I guess it's possible to live with friends after, or just have them on standby for emergencies, but that's no way to live. And when will I get over it? Sometimes it takes days, sometimes weeks. Will I be miserable in Africa for 3 days or 3 weeks (the latter being FAR worse)?

Barring ALL of that...I'm actually feeling rather good recently. Today was a little rough, but I think the stress took over, that was the only problem there. I think I need to sit with people and talk to them soon, before the school year starts, about how to help me. If I can just get the right people to do the right things, I'll be golden when I go away. Hell, maybe I'll even be able to live with my friends in coming years. Depends on the position I get I guess.

I'm rambling, but sorry it helps ;P Anyway...that's all for now...I hope :-\

Chris

"First say to yourself what you would be, and then do what you have to do."